I always had a blank space along with the word love next to it, because I never had experienced it so deeply. Whenever I thought of it, it is like I am caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, figuring out what it is like to actually, when you put it into perspective. Sometimes, I tended to believe, would there be one, that people say that is made only for you. The so-called soulmate or the twin soul. And up to this date, I do believe in the phenomenon of destiny, along with an unclear definition of the Mr Right.
People turn to me for advice in regards to the love that I yet to have experienced. I still question myself, how is it possible for me to understand and at the same time, have the disability to understand it. If I am right, in all my opinions that I deliver to people in order for them to be better or feel better, in love, why I do I have a hard time finding it. I tell you, it is, truly.
For me, falling in love means two things. That I have finally, seriously, committed to a relationship that I wanted for a long time for a happen and the second, I am in too much love with the person I have this connection with. When I feel in the depths of my soul, I know that I am finally in the mysterious universe of this magical emotion, floating and soaring high with a person I wanted this whole time to be by my side.
So many things are there that prevent me from reaching out to people, or sometimes to pull my walls high up making it hard for the potential suitors to climb up. I think I have googled this whenever I get time. Is it me being an introvert? Well, I don’t think so. I could manage to switch if I want to be cold or potentially, be reachable. I wonder, if I over-analyze things, and make it seem like all these are really going to impossible for me when only they are just fine as it is and seemingly easy to have it with one go. Or, do I have my standards high? Well, coming to think of it, it possibly could be a reason. But, can’t all that be a part of who I am. Unless who am I?
What actually love taught me for real? Falling in love, for the first time is so dreamy-like. It is not really necessary to feel the consequences of it. The whole point is to enjoy it while you can. Just letting your heart clear the road for you because your mind definitely will not. While you go on the journey, you just let your mind interrupt where it is necessary. Next, to trust. The vital virtue of a bond that makes it long-lasting. Honestly, where everyone has the doubts come flowing in. Without doubts, there might be no space for growth. Clearing doubts helps to improve your flexibility in having opinions. For someone like me, patience is not a problem at all. The last, patience to wait. Because good things come to those who wait. So, wait because it is worth for.
I started reading about this aspiring Mexican painter a few months back, upon the recommendation I received from a friend. And I am glad that I did. As much as I kept on learning about her, she managed to shift my vision in certain aspects. Starting from oneself to the end of the world, she taught me a great deal.
Kahlo saw the world for the first time in 6th July 1907 in Coyoacán of Mexico. She was a medical student, by the time she met with a bus accident at the age of eighteen. During her painful recovery, she made her way into the world of painting as a magical realist. With her marriage to Diego Rivera, who was her fellow artist, comrade, best friend and husband, she developed her artistic style. Her many paintings depicted a journey to life and death in her eyes. With so many downfalls, she made a name to herself. She was the epitome of unconditional love, a conqueror of life, and most importantly the admirer of her self.
Love is a roller-coaster ride.
The interesting, dynamic relationship of Kahlo and Rivera is filled with many facets from friendship to betrayal to reconciliation. Diego Rivera, who was a communist muralist, two times divorcee, and twenty years senior, got hitched with Frida in 1929. Kahlo’s parents never liked the duo and referred to them as, “an elephant and a dove.” Even though, with their marriage, she found herself changing. She started embracing mexicanity, and his influence on her paintings was obvious.
The marriage was full of rock bottoms. When they visited the United States, the success was up on cloud nine for both of them as artists. But returning to Mexico in 1933, she found herself drowning in so much sorrow following her illness and abortions. Both of them constantly quarrelled due to their liaisons with other men and women, which was also known as their infidelity. However, Kahlo’s paintings displayed the pain she endured with Rivera’s flirtations with other women. Especially, her sister, Cristina.
Unlike the rest of the men she was acquainted with, Rivera’s presence in her life for her important and had a massive impact as she missed him when he was away. The love remained but the marriage ended in 1939, yet, they remained closer. She remained single and had her earnings with her commissions. When Trotsky, a Marxist was assassinated, Kahlo was bound to suspicion and arrested for two days. As Rivera heard the news and returned to Mexico, the two reunited and remarried in 1940.
Her maladies worsened in which she lost her ability to sit or stand and spent her days in a wheelchair. Right after the marriage, it is said, that Rivera did commit to another affair with a woman which made Kahlo attempt suicide by overdose. In her diary, she mentions, ” they have given me centuries of torture and at moments I almost lost my reason. I keep on wanting to kill myself. Diego is what keeps me from it, through my vain idea that he would miss me. … But never in my life have I suffered more. I will wait a while…” Her hopes always rested at the remembrance of her husband. As she passed away in 1954, she was forty-seven years of age. Rivera mourned her death for a year and remarried. But with his death, he wanted the ashes of his previous wife, Frida to be conjoined. It led some to say, that their wish was to be together in however the way possible.
To her, love was unconditional. She gave him the freedom and tolerated his wrongdoings because she loved him and he, despite her disabilities. Their love taught her to be fragile, to learn and to mature. Even when their relationship was hanging by a thread, she gave it another chance. However, when her expectations got piled up to the sky limits, she faltered at the end. The lesson that bore from her love life to me, was the fact that to love someone, while being aware of their mishaps, need courage and fearlessness.
Knowing your self-Worth.
Frida Kahlo loved being herself. With her marriage to Rivera, she began welcoming her Mexicanidad with dressing up with long colorful skirts showing her mestiza ethnicity. it was her appreciation for her culture and she wore it proudly till the end of her life.
On the other hand, she showed a great example of admiring one’s own body. Frida had a thick unibrow and upper lip hair which were her best features that had a clear visibility on her face. She often highlighted these traits in her self-portraits. The importance of her facial hair and unibrow helped and help so many women today even to be more comfortable in their own skin, without being dictated to societal standards. According to her, “I am my own muse. The subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.”
Painting was her only passion. It was the one way she explored life. She stated once, “I never paint dreams or nightmares. I paint my own reality.” Her abortion, she troublesome marriage, and her sickness were drawn by her, making her renowned for magical reality. As she spent time alone, in and out of her marriage and her early childhood, she painted as her freedom of expression. She often mixed science and politics (as she indulged in political activities in Mexican Communist Party) in her drawings. Dogs, monkeys, doves, and cats were symbols she used for politics, tenderness or lust. She never contemplated what she drew because, “…I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration.”
In a way, Frida Kahlo rendered the value of knowing your self-worth, and to do what you love (because painting was the only thing that kept her alive.) In the modern era, people, especially women who are accustomed to being normal according to the society’s dictionary, Kahlo, makes you take a step back and look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I know myself the best.”
Viva La Vida (The life lives.)
Kahlo was a hero.
Why I say that?
She was fierce in her self-expression, passionate about her work, courageous to overcome numerous obstacles, honest about her frustrations, and was caring to her husband despite his flaws.
Frida Kahlo conquered life with her will power. With the near fatal accident she encountered in her childhood, she found her passion and invested her energy on that without complaining. She painted in the hopes of helping her family, who had difficulties paying her hospital bills, and sometimes to cope with her solitude.
She wed Diego Rivera, because she loved him without considering the facts, that he was married twice before her and twenty years older than her. She showed him care, and in spite of his infidelities, she offered him second chances to live and love again. Frida’s tolerance on her husband, made her grow and mature from her sorrows, which everyone can learn, what it is to love someone while embracing their good and bad as a wholesome.
Frida Kahlo made a name to herself, while depicting her own life in pictures. There was validity, authenticity, and the reality that embedded to it. Her life is still in display at her childhood home in Mexico.
Personally, her life amused me, that made me write about it. She is a great emphasis among women, who voiced herself for herself. The three lessons I learnt from her will forever be the inspiration which will drive and so to many.
You know, the hardest thing about life is undermining yourself to live because of others, their opinions but not yours. Despite the doubts, insecurities and fears we have, our decisions may rely on the rest of the people’s opinions. It should not be that way. This life is yours and make it only, yours.
The other day, I was wondering, why we often tend to question everything in life. From birth to death, we live switching through so many mood swings and inexplicable notions about almost everything. As long as I have known, I have gone through the same circumstance due to my own stupidity. There is nothing I had earned after questioning something that did not exist.
Why would we worry about so many things in life? Why would you? Is it because of fear, self-doubt or suspense?
My question for you is, what is the one thing, that makes you want to avoid committing something in your life? If you find an answer, here is why you need to let go of all that ‘What-if’s, that is yet to come in the future.
Regrets.Without a doubt, you would find it intolerable. Just think of what you could possibly achieve by pondering over and over again, about something you couldn’t reach which makes you question your own self-worth. It is pointless, isn’t it? In life, you make certain decisions without exactly a plan. Though, sometimes, it could not be as bad as you thought. For an instance, after leaving college, there were times, I possibly embarked on the thought of getting selected to a government university with good grades that would made my parents proud. It was a dream that I had, yet it did not come true. Rather than dwelling in the same point, I decided to explore different paths to walk. Today, I have managed to follow my dreams that I am passionate about by being a major in English at a private university. I had my fair share of drowning in a sea of ‘What-if’s: ‘What if the life at public university is more fun than the life at a private university?’, ‘What if I had better chances of making friends with the same interests?’ or ‘What if I get to decide on the preferred subjects that I want to study?’. However, I overcame my self-doubt and focused on my goals rather than negative objectives that I could think of, of something that did not happen. On a side note, I believe that everything happens for a reason or at least, to your good. You see, believing in the positivism of life and not letting anyone or even yourself, to doubt or question your decisions are mandatory for a life without regrets.
It barricades you from adventure. The problem with ‘What-if’s is that it not only increases your self-doubt but also hinders your potential of encountering the best in life. This downer almost applies to everything: whether it is choosing a boyfriend, organizing a trip or even, looking for an outfit or a dress that you like wear, we seek either for a judgement or an advice, when in reality, no one does not give a fig about your preference. ‘What if they think my choice to hang out with the guy at the bar find distressing?’, ‘What if my parents see me with my boyfriend at the beach?’ and on and on and on. Give yourself a break! It could be frustrating to think every time, if your expectations are valid or invalid, but you need to let yourself out there after putting your fear aside. Unless, there is no point of living this life at all. Break rules once in a while and take risks. You are not making a sin by doing something that would make yourself happy, does it?
People would lose interest in you. Eventually, people would come to you and say, “You are so boring,” if you try to avoid all the things that would make you feel at the top of the world. There is nothing worse than losing people. Especially, the ones you have invested your life in. The ones who cares for you in every moment. Despite ‘What-if’s, you really need to keep your interests at peak and work on it. In the process, they’d say, “You are a dope soul.” Nobody in this world had no doubts; everyone did and still does. Even though, they choose to keep them at a bay and enjoy the present moment they witness in life despite their insecurities and inabilities. You must do the same. After all, life is about enjoying living to your heart’s content. Do not let your worries make other people lose you or yourself. If it is climbing a mountain, take that risk without being doubtful about being in danger. If it is about inviting your Enemy-Later-Turned-Friend to your wedding, just do it. Take the risk and clear your doubt. After all, you will at least, learn something.
As it is crystal clear, that your present is your matter to attend to. Every moment you spend will become the reflection of the future you might one day have. Therefore, make it worthwhile. Always. You will not regret doing this one favor by cutting off the ‘What-if’s in life and replacing them with ‘Why not’s.
One final thing. ‘What-if’s may occur, but do not let it guard you all the time. Decision is yours to make.